How the Zebra Got Its Stripes

By Tyler Plofker

One moderately sunny day, a tribesman stumbled upon a large stone. The stone was 83 inches in diameter and hard. The man was aroused by the shape of the stone, which had a certain je ne sais quoi. It had a nice curvature to its upper third. The man could not contain himself. The man humped at the stone. Hump, hump, hump. He could not control his impulse even as the humps pained him against the solid rock, even as blood started to seep from his nethers. The man continued to fuck the stone. The man’s penis was pulverized because he simply could not stop fucking the stone. Where his penis used to be was now just flat bloody skin. A lot of liquid oozed out and he fainted.

When the man awoke, it was almost dusk, and all of the tribesmen were gathered around him and shaking their heads in a disapproving manner. One of the tribesmen said, “Unbelievable,” under his breath—but he said it in the tribesman language, not English like it’s written here. The full word as it was pronounced in the tribesman language is lost to history, but it started with a “Ra” sound. In fact, the tribesmen were not actually shaking their heads, but rather doing some physical equivalent that made sense within the cultural context of their tribe, but is now, unfortunately, lost to history. The man blinked between five and seven times while the tribesman moved their bodies in the disapproving way. Atop a tree, a red bird pooped into its children’s open beaks. Whether this was accidental or not is, unfortunately, also lost to history. The man got up and immediately started fucking the stone again.

And that is how the zebra got its stripes.

Tyler Plofker is a writer in NYC.