Song of Joey Widdle

By Tyler Plofker

Joey Widdle played his fiddle for Joan and Joann Weedly. And when Joey Widdle played his fiddle for Joan and Joann Weedly, he sang. What did he sing? Well, a representative sample of what he sang includes the following:

1. “Life can’t get much better, no sir-eeeeee. Feeling like a bug, a bumblebeeeeeeeeeee; sipping on a flower—sippy sippy weeweeweeeeeeeeee.”
2. “Love grass and trees and sun and sky and cloud and water and me and you and grass and trees and red and blue and smoke and bird and frog and cat and dust and mite and grass and trees and rocks. Love life, love all living thingssssss.”
3. “My father loves me very much, and my mother loves me very much, and my sister loves me very much, and my brother loves me very much—and I love them much the same, much the sameeeeeeee.
4. “This world is the best!”
5. “Love!”

Joey Widdle was, you see, an optimist. But there was a problem: unfortunately, Joan and Joann Weedly were not optimists. They were pessimists. And so, when Joey Widdle played his fiddle for Joan and Joann Weedly, they ate him alive. They pushed him against the maple tree at which he stood, in the sunshiny day, and tore at his flesh with their dull incisors while he screamed in agony.

After they finished eating Joey Widdle (which took about half the afternoon), Joan and Joann Weedly grabbed his fiddle and sang their own songs. What did they sing? Well, a representative sample of what they sang includes the following:

1. “Human-induced climate change is an existential risk for many species on the planet, including our own. Irreversible changes to our land, oceans, and atmosphere have already occurred due to warming in excess of 1°C compared to pre-industrial figures, and the global surface temperature continues to rise. Extreme weather events are
   becoming increasingly common and disproportionately affect the poorest among us. Extreme weather events such as tornadoes, such as hurricanes. Yes, even the wind has turned on us. Per the Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change, future warming estimates range from 1.5°C (horrific) to over 4°C (catastrophic), contingent on the steps we take. Considering the difficulties of geopolitical cooperation, avoiding the worst warming scenario seems unlikely. ‘Water scarcity’ will soon become a household term.”
2. “Death demons fucking stupid cunt fuck [slur] [slur] [slur] shit fucking demon HATE HATE HATE.”
3. “Scientists believe we are closer to nuclear annihilation than ever before and have accordingly adjusted their famous ‘Doomsday Clock’ to a mere ninety seconds to midnight. In the event of a large-scale nuclear exchange, the immediate impact of the weapons could kill hundreds of millions and bring about a nuclear winter. A nuclear winter: an occurrence which would fix a previous issue we’ve sung about, that of global warming, but represent a potentially worse one; one that, in fact, would kill some five billion people.”
4. “Artificial general intelligence is a concerning issue, as is the possible emergence of new, insurmountable diseases. According to Freedom House (a non-profit that advocates for democracy and human rights), ‘Global freedom [has just] declined for the 17th consecutive year.’ Seventeen years: that is, three more than we have been alive. Sometimes when we get groceries we are given a paper bag without handles which is an extreme pain. Taking into account our age, it is an absolute certainty we will stub our toes at least a few more times before we die. Also, we will die—and we were born into that losing struggle without any choice and with no way to overcome it.”
5. “In view of the horrors described in these songs, we do not wish to ever have children. How could we even think of such a thing? We couldn’t, and we won’t.”

Joan and Joann Weedly smashed Joey Widdle’s fiddle against the maple tree at which they stood, and lit its pieces on fire, and in the fire, they roasted the last slivers of flesh hanging to Joey Widdle’s bones. They ate and rejoiced. At home, they flicked endlessly through various streaming services because there was nothing good to watch.

Tyler Plofker is a writer in NYC. In his free time, he likes staring at large bodies of water.